Wouldn't it be great if we could make every life decision in traditional Groundhog Day fashion? Every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil, arguably the world's most famous weather forecasting groundhog, regurgitates a partially chewed prediction of spring's arrival from the cheek pouches of the midwest. As tradition holds, Phil is presented ceremoniously in a temporary home in rural Pennsylvania known as Gobbler's Knob. (Can't make this shit up...) If the sun is shining on this particular day, Phil sees his shadow and, frightened, retreats back to his home, indicating 6 more weeks of winter await. If it is cloudy and he does not see his shadow, an early spring is predicted. But why stop there? Surely Punxsutawney Phil's insights go well beyond meteorology if we just bothered to ask. Do you ever think he gets tired of the same question? If I had it my way, rodents would directly influence a lot of my daily decisions. Then I could finally use sentences like "Sure I was planning on paying the electric bill, but it scared the chinchilla" or "Dinner at 8? Sounds fantastic! The gerbils are just thrilled." But then again, for some people, that might be a hard Knob to Gobble...
Personally, I don't observe Groundhog Day for other reasons. There is nothing a groundhog can tell me that a supermarket can't. Once the Valentine's day candy, up since 2 days after Christmas, is replaced by a sea of green St. Patty's Day douche garb, it's a sign of good things to come. Then, for baseball fans, there are things like this:
Who does he think he is, Mr. T? For Detroit Tigers Manager Jim Leyland, there is more than one way this must be hard to digest. Judging by the lack of any logos, it is clear Verlander did this on his own without the endorsement of either the Detroit Tigers or even Major League Baseball. I guess that's what happens when you're not quite Wheaties material. The flakes on the box are enlarged to show texture... Well, at least the ones on the spoon.
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