Men be acting all like zombies in the news

People always assume the worst. A few news stories about cannibalism and all of a sudden it's the apocalypse. Pessimists... Just because a story is more prominent in the news doesn't mean it is happening more. In fact, a recent study conducted in my head found that there are on average 350 reports of cannibalism every year in the Carolinas alone. The study also found that babies born in the past week have been exposed to over 50 media references to violent acts during the course of their lifetime... Sure it's not a lot now, but that shit adds up. What kind of world is that to enter? When those babies hit their tweens, pop stars are going to have to eat people on stage just go be noticed.

Hell, at this rate cannibalism is almost a good PR move. Sarah Palin should think about eating a Russian for getting too close to her porch. It's only doomsday until a celebrity does it, then it's a fad. After Kim Kardashian bites a photographer's nose off it's all over. Face it, she'll never do any real time for it. Soon Lady Gaga will show up to the Grammy's wearing a dress made entirely of "little monster" skin and you'll all be hooked. Search engines will be overwhelmed with searches for the best human steak marinades. Try Rachel Ray's, by the way... As a matter of fact, more people will vote for their favorite contestants on American Homicidal and So You Think You Can Lance? than will turn up for the presidential election.

Rest assured, America, the only zombies here are the ones with the remotes. Turn off your TV and get a real hobby! Maybe try zip lining... I mean, draw up a nice relaxing bath with bath salts... Oh I give up!

Cookie Communism

Seriously Girl Scouts of America, freaking cookie bureaucrats... What does a guy have to do to get a Caramel deLight around here? It's bad enough I have to ration 3 boxes of Thin Mints to last an ENTIRE YEAR, but a 6 to 8 week turnaround on delivery? This simply will not do... You might as well be the Girl Scouts of Soviet Russia. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume there is some great nougat shortage that was going to be a major news story until Kim Kardashian flashed her hoo-ha to the Prime Minister of Estonia. Just do yourselves a favor and hire some elves already... If there were a merit badge for outrage you better believe my requirements have been met! My sash is looking pretty bare anyway. It'll look nice next to my badges for fire breathing and running with sharp things. Technically I was breathing fire with sharp things, but they didn't offer such a badge so we split the difference.

All I'm saying the cookies are a tough business and you face obscurity... If only your cookies weren't so delicious. You really have America by the balls here, which I'm pretty sure are located in Northern Florida if my Doctorate in Geographical Anatomy has any merit. All we're asking is to step it up a little. And maybe online ordering would be nice. If I don't want to put pants on to order your cookes, I don't need all the court documents and hate mail... next time.