Men be acting all like zombies in the news

People always assume the worst. A few news stories about cannibalism and all of a sudden it's the apocalypse. Pessimists... Just because a story is more prominent in the news doesn't mean it is happening more. In fact, a recent study conducted in my head found that there are on average 350 reports of cannibalism every year in the Carolinas alone. The study also found that babies born in the past week have been exposed to over 50 media references to violent acts during the course of their lifetime... Sure it's not a lot now, but that shit adds up. What kind of world is that to enter? When those babies hit their tweens, pop stars are going to have to eat people on stage just go be noticed.

Hell, at this rate cannibalism is almost a good PR move. Sarah Palin should think about eating a Russian for getting too close to her porch. It's only doomsday until a celebrity does it, then it's a fad. After Kim Kardashian bites a photographer's nose off it's all over. Face it, she'll never do any real time for it. Soon Lady Gaga will show up to the Grammy's wearing a dress made entirely of "little monster" skin and you'll all be hooked. Search engines will be overwhelmed with searches for the best human steak marinades. Try Rachel Ray's, by the way... As a matter of fact, more people will vote for their favorite contestants on American Homicidal and So You Think You Can Lance? than will turn up for the presidential election.

Rest assured, America, the only zombies here are the ones with the remotes. Turn off your TV and get a real hobby! Maybe try zip lining... I mean, draw up a nice relaxing bath with bath salts... Oh I give up!

Putin on the Ritz

I'm not sure how I missed this, but in celebration of his victory against...Who the hell cares? Russian Presidential electee Vladimir Putin took to the ice for an inaugural exhibition hockey match. To mark the occasion I made a PutinLOL:

For those of you wondering, Putin did score a goal. It was wide open while the goalie was stripped and beaten mercilessly. Puts a new spin on the Cold War though, doesn't it? I smell a Rocky sequel! The exhibition match was the first of many in preparations for the Nuclear Winter Olympic games. He'll also be gracing the figure skating rink with a hit from his award winning show "Putin on Ice!" I, for one, can't wait... But can you believe post-apocalyptic Soci, Russia is hosting? RIGGED! In the meantime, worry not Putin fans. The Russian Federation is pleased to announce a new line of Putin action figures. If you like Hockey Putin, You're sure to love:

Lincoln Memorial Putin

Judo Putin with Karate-Chop Action

Tickle-Me-And-Die Putin

Anglin' Putin (Shirt sold separately)

And of course...

Putin 'n Palz (also available in Puuussy cat!)

So I know it has (once again) been a while since I have touched this. Some pretty cool stuff has been going on and most of my writing time has been devoted to legit publications, forcing me to put my own stuff on the back burner. I'm starting a second job next week that will make my schedule all the more hectic, but I'm hoping to keep up with this a little more too. I have to be (somewhat) professional with my other projects, so it's nice to have the chance to sit here and be a smart ass for a few minutes with my own writing. Thank you for sticking with me! I saw that my blog recently reached 1000 views. I look around and I see new faces... Which means some of you have been breaking the first 2 rules of Fight Club... Just kidding. Do bring friends! Thanks everyone. Until next time... 

A Noid Annoyed

In what could prove to be the worst marketing in history, Domino's pizza is set to release their "No!" television campaign on Thursday. The ads, promoting the new artisian pizza, are in response to customer demand to add or subtract toppings from the specialty pies. Domino's stands firm on the issue and their message is clear: Trust us, we know what you like. After all, having spent years perfecting the pizza recipe, it would be a shame to let something like a customer's individual taste ruin it. Early drafts of the "No!" slogan included such gems as "Bitch please!" "Nigga be trippin'!" and of course my favorite, "Go fuck yourself!" Calls to the Noid for comment were not returned by press time.

Can you imagine where Wendy's would be right now if they treated the "Where's the Beef?" lady like this? Rest assured she would find the beef elsewhere... The late, great Steve Jobs once said of customers "A lot of times, people don't know what they want until you show it to them." Let me give you a tip, Domino's. That philosophy only applies if you're changing the world. You bake flat bread with cheese and marinara. Get over yourself! You might enjoy a few extra bucks with the novelty of this campaign, but your "No!" strategy will only hold up until Papa John's announces their "Sure" campaign. Something tells me Domino's is soon going the way of Borders. It's a wonder anyone has a job in Michigan these days...

But anyway, speaking of Steve Jobs, recently I scraped together some money and picked up an iPod Touch hoping to take this writing stuff a little more seriously. I've only had it a few weeks, but I can't stress how perfect it is for this type of work. Now I can access my personal and work e-mail on the same device that I can schedule and record interviews.. Plus, you know, Angry Birds is fun. I got a chance to put it to the test last week on assignment for Hype Team Productions when I sat down with Bellevue's jam wizards, the great Ebin's Flow. Since I bloody well know all of you are reading, here come the shameless plugs:

Hype Team Productions is a website started by some friends of mine promoting local artists and I've had the great honor to join their team. In doing so, it gave me the opportunity to sit down with some old friends and talk about their amazing band and write an article about them. The article will be posted very soon on hypeteamproductions.com, so make sure to check it out and show some love to the other very talented featured performers.

My new addition to the gadget arsenal will make it much easier to adopt a more multimedia format for this blog, so be expecting more pictures, audio and maybe even a youtube channel? Oh the possibilities...

Until next time, Avoid the Annoyed Noid

The Fastball Flake

Wouldn't it be great if we could make every life decision in traditional Groundhog Day fashion? Every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil, arguably the world's most famous weather forecasting groundhog, regurgitates a partially chewed prediction of spring's arrival from the cheek pouches of the midwest. As tradition holds, Phil is presented ceremoniously in a temporary home in rural Pennsylvania known as Gobbler's Knob. (Can't make this shit up...) If the sun is shining on this particular day, Phil sees his shadow and, frightened, retreats back to his home, indicating 6 more weeks of winter await. If it is cloudy and he does not see his shadow, an early spring is predicted. But why stop there? Surely Punxsutawney Phil's insights go well beyond meteorology if we just bothered to ask. Do you ever think he gets tired of the same question? If I had it my way, rodents would directly influence a lot of my daily decisions. Then I could finally use sentences like "Sure I was planning on paying the electric bill, but it scared the chinchilla" or "Dinner at 8? Sounds fantastic! The gerbils are just thrilled." But then again, for some people, that might be a hard Knob to Gobble... 

Personally, I don't observe Groundhog Day for other reasons. There is nothing a groundhog can tell me that a supermarket can't. Once the Valentine's day candy, up since 2 days after Christmas, is replaced by a sea of green St. Patty's Day douche garb, it's a sign of good things to come. Then, for baseball fans, there are things like this:

Who does he think he is, Mr. T? For Detroit Tigers Manager Jim Leyland, there is more than one way this must be hard to digest. Judging by the lack of any logos, it is clear Verlander did this on his own without the endorsement of either the Detroit Tigers or even Major League Baseball. I guess that's what happens when you're not quite Wheaties material. The flakes on the box are enlarged to show texture... Well, at least the ones on the spoon. 

Cookie Communism

Seriously Girl Scouts of America, freaking cookie bureaucrats... What does a guy have to do to get a Caramel deLight around here? It's bad enough I have to ration 3 boxes of Thin Mints to last an ENTIRE YEAR, but a 6 to 8 week turnaround on delivery? This simply will not do... You might as well be the Girl Scouts of Soviet Russia. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume there is some great nougat shortage that was going to be a major news story until Kim Kardashian flashed her hoo-ha to the Prime Minister of Estonia. Just do yourselves a favor and hire some elves already... If there were a merit badge for outrage you better believe my requirements have been met! My sash is looking pretty bare anyway. It'll look nice next to my badges for fire breathing and running with sharp things. Technically I was breathing fire with sharp things, but they didn't offer such a badge so we split the difference.

All I'm saying the cookies are a tough business and you face obscurity... If only your cookies weren't so delicious. You really have America by the balls here, which I'm pretty sure are located in Northern Florida if my Doctorate in Geographical Anatomy has any merit. All we're asking is to step it up a little. And maybe online ordering would be nice. If I don't want to put pants on to order your cookes, I don't need all the court documents and hate mail... next time.

Get back to where you once belonged

Although I'm sure many of you have grown to enjoy the uncharacteristic lack of newsfeed posts hounding you to visit my blog, I'm back. For those of you out of the loop, allow me to [vaguely] bring you up to speed on my absence. I am now living in my own place after a challenging couple of months which resulted in the loss of an internet connection to say the very least.. As difficult a process as it has been, it's now an all new year and truly a fresh start in the strictest sense.

While not every earthly artifact has found its rightful place, Grady (my trusty bulldog companion) and I have had a chance to adjust to our far more limited living space. We're getting along alright. He doesn't ask for much. Food and water, a chew toy, an occasional ride to go hang with his bitches. When I'm gone too long he might chew things in protest, but it's never anything of real value... Or so I think. A shredded roll of paper towels is no big deal until I come home later and step ankle deep in coffee grounds from a freshly rummaged trash can. I don't lose sleep over a mangled chip-clip until a week later when I bight into a stale pretzel stick. It does depend on how we're defining "value," but at least he leaves the furniture and guitars alone. He's kind of afraid of them actually.

Some would argue that dogs do possess mystical knowledge far exceeding their primitive demeanor. Looking at Grady I'd kindly disagree. Frankly, he's dumber than a bucket of hair, but unabashedly so. When I leave he has no reason to believe I'll be back, and when I come back he has no reason to believe his bowl will be filled. When you lack the mental capacity of forethought, you lack the mental capacity of expectation. He simply appreciates my company and care, oblivious to the fact that I would never dream of abandoning him or letting him go hungry. Those who claim dogs have "much to teach us about how to live happily" are ironically intellectualizing their philosophy by observing their dog's lack of reasoning skills... Silly humans. Always thinking too much. It's simple:

Expect nothing
Appreciate everything
No humping
No drooling

It's stupid how smart we are sometimes.

Anyway, sorry it's been so long. Thanks for checking back and I'll keep writing if you keep reading. Deal?

One small step for Dan, one giant leap for short people

So I have kind of let this blogging thing go to the way side, but let me catch you up a bit. My computer crashed.. Fellow Apple users will know my pain when I say I didn't purchase the extended warranty. Thankfully the brilliant J. Tibbs of Shed Annex fame identified the problem for me, saving me a call to the support center and racking up a hefty bill in go-fuck-yourself fees. Long story short, I spent a few days without internet while I had my hard drive replaced at the local Mac Cafe.

Without the internet I found a lot of spare time in my day. I spent a lot of it reading and enjoying the company of those around me. I know, it was awful! It turns out a blogger without a computer is just a cynical dickhead. Not to mention my doctor was concerned that I was getting too much sleep and my concentration levels were dangerously high. He handed me his iPhone and prescribed 6 hours of lolcats, STAT!

I understand this only accounts for a few days, but to make a much longer story even shorter, I'm moving into my own luxurious studio apartment to start off the new year. Nothing shows good life decision making quite like living in a single room, right? I always seem to pick the coldest months to move too.. Be that as it may, living alone is something I've wanted to do for a long time and I'm looking forward to the chance. I'm not even bothering with cable, so for better or for worse expect to see a lot more from this blog in the next year.